When protecting your peace costs you connection

Psych Central
Jul 24, 2025
4 min read

Written by Nonhlanhla Makamba, Counselling Psychologist

You’ve likely heard the phrase, “protect your peace.” But what if, in trying to protect it, we also lose out on something we deeply need?

Contemporary culture tells us that the best way to “heal” after conflict is to cut off those who hurt us.

Phrases like “protect your peace,” “remove toxic people,” and “go no contact” have become rallying cries for a generation seeking wholeness.

Yet many of us are left with an unexpected emptiness. Could it be that in protecting our peace, we have also protected ourselves from the very relationships we need to truly heal?

Healing Happens in Relationship, Not Isolation

Research and lived experience show us that healing often happens within safe, repairing relationships, not in isolation. When we feel securely connected, we build emotional resilience and learn to regulate ourselves even when conflict arises (Dwiwardani et al., 2014; Siegel, 2020).

Temporary distance may sometimes be necessary, especially to regain clarity and safety. However, complete severance can close the door to opportunities for growth, accountability, and relational repair.

In many African communities rooted in ubuntu (“I am because we are”), conflict is often addressed through dialogue, community support, and accountability, emphasising restoration over isolation. Family conferencing, elder mediation, and communal restitution preserve connection while still addressing harm.

In contrast, cultures that emphasise radical independence often promote cutting off others as a path to peace, rather than working through challenges together.

The Pandemic, Social Media, and the “Cut-Off Culture”

The COVID-19 pandemic intensified this pattern. Lockdowns normalised relational isolation and reduced our tolerance for discomfort. Many of us turned to social media for connection, finding endless streams of pop psychology advice encouraging us to “cut off negativity.” While this language can help us name toxic patterns, it can also oversimplify the complexity of human relationships.

Boundaries are essential, but they are meant to preserve connection by helping us feel safe enough to stay, rather than eliminate connection entirely (Johnson, 2025). As cancel culture, hyper-independence, and “boundary setting” surged, so too did reports of loneliness, anxiety, and relational fragility (Loades et al., 2020; Carp, 2025).

Avoiding relational discomfort may feel like protecting peace, but it can leave us without the skills or resilience to repair ruptures when they happen.

Social Value vs. Social Connection

Modern narratives often equate self-worth with radical independence and emotional detachment. While it is wise to leave relationships that are truly harmful, the celebration of detachment can overshadow the essential human need for connection.

This leaves many people feeling lonely and anxious while longing for connection but unsure how to navigate conflict. Without opportunities to practice relational repair, our capacity to handle the ups and downs of relationships shrinks.

A Real-Life Reflection

One client shared how, after a conflict with a close friend, she decided to cut off the relationship to “protect her peace.” At first, she felt relief. But over time, loneliness and regret crept in, especially during moments she wished she could share with her friend.

In therapy, she explored what it would mean to repair the rupture safely. Through honest conversations, clear boundaries, and accountability on both sides, the friendship resumed and deepened. She found that true peace came from connection, not isolation.

Protecting Peace While Preserving Connection

Protecting your peace is important. But sometimes, protecting your peace means having difficult conversations, seeking repair, and allowing relationships to deepen through vulnerability and accountability.

True peace is not found in the absence of others but in relationships where you can safely be yourself while working through challenges together. We need to move:

from a culture of cut-offs to a culture of repair,

from hyper-independence to healthy interdependence,

from isolation to connection.

A note of caution: If you are in a situation involving abuse, persistent harm, or unsafe dynamics, separation may be necessary for your healing and safety. The reflections in this article do not apply to those contexts.

A Gentle Invitation

If you notice a quiet loneliness even after cutting others off, you are not alone. You don’t have to choose between peace and connection. The real work of healing often lies in learning how to keep yourself safe while allowing others back in, step by step, as you are ready.

You might explore these reflections in your next therapy session or journaling practice.

Reflective Questions for Your Healing Journey

Am I protecting my peace, or am I protecting myself from discomfort that could foster growth?
What does true peace look like for me, and how might it include maintaining or repairing important relationships?
What skills or support do I need to navigate relational repair while preserving my wellbeing?

Further Reading

Dwiwardani, C., et al. (2014). Virtues develop from a secure base: Attachment and resilience as predictors of humility, gratitude, and forgiveness. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 42(1), 83-90.

Siegel, D. J. (2016). Mind: A Journey to the Heart of Being Human. WW Norton & Company.

Carp, T. N. (2025). Returning to Our Origins: The Need to Reassess the Importance of Boundary-Based, Conscious Human Connection.

Johnson, K. J. (2025). Good Friends Have Boundaries: Provider Strategies for Creating Support Boundaries in Friendships. Communication Studies, 76(4), 350-370.