Self-abandonment VS compromise in a relationship

Written by Zamuxolo Ngubane, Counselling Psychologist

One of the issues I come across frequently in therapy is people struggling to differentiate between self-abandonment and compromise in a relationship. Relationships call for give and take, it’s part of what makes love sustainable.

But how do you know when you’re making a healthy compromise, and when you’re actually abandoning yourself? The line between the two can be surprisingly thin, and many people don’t realise they’ve crossed it until they feel resentment, exhaustion, or a growing sense of disconnection from their own needs.

What Is Compromise?

Compromise is a conscious, mutual decision to meet in the middle. It involves recognising that two people won’t always have the same needs, desires, or perspectives - and choosing to find a balance that honors both. Healthy compromise is rooted in mutual respect. It may mean watching your partner’s favorite show even though it’s not your thing or agreeing to spend the holidays with their family this year, knowing next year you’ll switch.

Compromise says:

“I value our connection, and I’m willing to be flexible without losing myself.”

What Is Self-Abandonment?

Self-abandonment, on the other hand, happens when you repeatedly silence your own needs, values, or boundaries to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or maintain approval. It’s often driven by fear - fear of rejection, fear of being “too much,” or fear that your needs aren’t valid. Over time, this pattern erodes your sense of self and can lead to deep dissatisfaction and sometimes emotional burnout.

Self-abandonment says:

“I’ll do what you want, not because it feels right, but because I’m afraid you’ll leave or be upset if I don’t.”

Self-abandonment poses serious dangers to a person’s emotional, relational, and even physical well-being. When someone consistently ignores their own needs, feelings, and boundaries to prioritise others or avoid conflict, they begin to lose touch with their sense of self. Over time, this can lead to a weakened identity, where a person no longer knows what they want, believe, or value. Emotional consequences often include resentment, anxiety, low self-worth, and even depression, as the inner conflict of constantly suppressing one’s truth builds up.

Relationships may become unbalanced, where one person gives far more than they receive, often without being consciously aware of the toll it takes. Ultimately, self-abandonment can create a life that looks functional on the outside but feels disconnected and unfulfilling on the inside. Recognising this pattern is a vital step toward reclaiming personal agency, self-respect, and healthier relationships.

Here is how you can tell if you are abandoning yourself

• You say “yes” when you want to say no—and feel anxious or guilty afterward.

• You minimize your needs to avoid “rocking the boat.

• You don’t bring up issues that bother you because you fear being “too needy” or “difficult.”

• You feel disconnected from your desires, or unsure of what you even want anymore.

Shifting from Self-Abandonment to Healthy Compromise

1. Start with self-awareness

Pause and check in with yourself: “What do I actually want or need right now?” If you’re not sure, that’s okay - curiosity is a good first step.

2. Validate your own needs

Your needs are not a burden. You don’t have to justify why something matters to you in order for it to be valid.

3. Communicate clearly and kindly

Express your needs and boundaries with honesty. Use “I” statements. For example: “I feel overwhelmed when plans change last minute. Can we work on giving each other more notice?”

4. Look for reciprocity

Are both you and your partner making adjustments? Healthy compromise requires two people willing to grow, bend, and respect each other.

5. Work through the fear

Often, self-abandonment is rooted in a fear of rejection. Working with a therapist can help you unpack this fear and build emotional resilience.

Final Thoughts

In a loving relationship, compromise is not only inevitable, it’s healthy. But when compromise turns into self-betrayal, it no longer serves the relationship or your well-being. True intimacy requires that we bring our full selves to the table, even when that means having uncomfortable conversations or holding boundaries.

You are not “too much.” Your needs matter. And relationships built on authenticity and mutual respect are not only possible—they’re worth working toward.

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To read more about Zamuxolo and the services she offers, click on the link below. Read more