Navigating Friendships in Adulthood

Written by Reshmi Wilson, Clinical Psychologist

We all accept that romantic relationships are complicated. No one blinks an eye when couples argue over the way one of them loads the dishwasher. We know that living closely with a partner is intricate, and that disputes, misunderstandings, and even therapy are part of the territory. On good days, we even respect this complexity by giving it patience and care.

Friendships, however, are often treated as the lighter side of life. We expect them to be easy, joyful, and emotionally unburdened. Unlike romance, we don’t usually enter friendships prepared for conflict or hard work. For a while, this assumption seems right.

Friendship can feel effortless. But as adulthood sets in, with work, partners, and responsibilities piling up, friendships quietly take on just as much complexity as any other relationship.

Even in childhood, friendships come up often in therapy. Were you bullied by friends? Did you feel excluded, or did you find belonging in a way you never quite felt at home? From early on, friendships play a central role in how we understand connection, self-worth, and intimacy. At first they may seem light and easy, but over time, as all relationships evolve, they too begin to carry weight: layered, demanding, and sometimes messy.

From a psychological perspective, this makes sense. Friendships are not exempt from the unconscious dynamics that shape all human bonds. In psychoanalysis, we talk about transference, the way we bring old patterns, expectations, and wounds from past relationships into new ones. This does not only play out in romance, it seeps into friendships as well.

We may unconsciously expect friends to show up for us in ways that echo our earliest caregivers. When they don’t, the disappointment can cut deeper than we expect.

At the same time, friendship is one of the most “free” forms of relationship we have. Unlike family, we choose them. Unlike romance, there are no vows or cultural scripts to guide us. Friendships rest entirely on reciprocity: I cannot be your friend if you are not mine. That freedom is liberating, but it also leaves room for drift. Without the anchor of obligation, friendships can quietly slip to the margins of our lives.

And yet psychology reminds us that relying solely on a romantic partner to meet all our emotional needs is risky. No single relationship can hold the full weight of our joy, intimacy, and belonging. Community, in the form of friendships, is vital for psychological wellbeing. In friendship we rehearse different versions of ourselves, cultivate play, and experience a kind of love that is non-possessive and sustaining.

Perhaps, then, the complexity of adult friendships is not a sign of failure, but of depth. They evolve because we evolve. Just as growth in therapy often involves tension and conflict, friendship too requires negotiation: space for independence, grace for silence, and the intentionality to bridge distance.

The work of navigating friendship in adulthood is about honouring these shifts, holding onto the joy that first drew us together, while also recognising the unconscious currents that shape how we give and receive closeness. Friendship, in this light, is not secondary to romantic love but another form of intimacy, one without a script, but no less profound.

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