Help! I see a white elephant in my relationship

Written by Nonhlanhla Makamba, Counselling Psychologist

At some point, many people encounter a strange phenomenon in their relationships, something that feels too threatening to approach directly. Often, both people are aware of its presence, at least on some level. And yet, this phenomenon can feel so elusive and difficult to put into words that it remains unspoken.

When left unaddressed, the White Elephant can trigger significant inner distress for the individuals involved and gradually create tension between them, leading to emotional distance and strain on the relationship.

What is the White Elephant in Relationships?

The White Elephant refers to any truth, emotion, or experience that feels too threatening for the relationship to hold, even though each person may be able to manage it individually.

In most cases, both people privately acknowledge the presence of the White Elephant, and each struggles, often in isolation, to understand or make sense of it. However, the relationship itself lacks the capacity to contain or address the issue openly. As a result, the relationship quietly suffers, shaped by emotional shifts and unspoken tensions that remain unresolved.

Where Do White Elephants Appear?

Relationships are the emotional and psychological connections we form with others, whether through family, friendship, romance, or shared experiences. They are spaces where we seek connection, safety, support, and belonging.

But relationships are also places where we encounter challenges, navigate differences, and experience growth. The White Elephant can appear in any type of relationship, from friendships and romantic partnerships, to family bonds and even professional connections.

How Does the White Elephant Enter a Relationship?

The White Elephant does not come from outside the relationship, it is created from within, co-constructed by the people involved.

At their core, relationships are held together by a framework of shared (or assumed) values, morals, boundaries, and expectations. This framework helps the relationship remain steady. However, when one or more people deviate from it — whether consciously or unconsciously — tension arises.

In relationships that feel safe and supportive, these tensions can be brought to the surface, explored, and repair can begin.

Unlike in family or workplace relationships, where the relational framework is often pre-defined, friendships and romantic relationships offer a unique opportunity to actively discuss and shape the framework together. When these foundations are clear, it becomes easier to address conflict and repair ruptures when they arise.

Why Do Some Truths Feel Too Threatening for the Relationship?

Most people enter relationships with hope, presenting their best selves, while keeping their fears quietly out of sight. Fear has a powerful influence over how, or whether, we communicate our needs at all.

Individuals often worry that naming certain feelings or truths could:

• Lead to conflict or widen emotional distance

• Disrupt the relationship’s dynamic

• Or, perhaps most distressingly, result in the loss of the relationship altogether

These fears are real and are often shaped by previous relational experiences; such as betrayal, unmet needs, unspoken resentment, or abandonment.

So even when both individuals privately acknowledge the White Elephant, the risk of speaking it aloud can feel too great.

In this way, certain emotions or truths don’t necessarily overwhelm the individuals involved, but they may still exceed what the relationship itself feels strong enough to hold.

Learning to Face the White Elephant: The Paradox

Every relationship will, at some point, encounter unspoken truths or hidden tensions. These ‘White Elephants’ do not have to signal the end of a connection; in fact, naming them can often be the beginning of a deeper bond, renewed trust, and greater emotional freedom.

It takes courage, self-awareness, and a willingness to remain curious for the unspeakable to be acknowledged. Just as importantly, it requires a compassionate and safe space for these conversations to unfold.

Some White Elephants may feel too big, too painful, or too risky to bring up alone but support is available. Working with a therapist can offer a neutral and supportive environment where difficult truths can be explored without fear of judgement.

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To read more about Nonhlanhla and the services she offers, click on the link below. Read more