Is my Ex a reminder of my childhood familial patterns?!

Written by Amanda Zulu, Counselling Psychologist

Yikes! Take a deep breath…It’s more than “oh we just didn’t workout.”

Therapy opens up these vulnerable & uncomfortable doors where clients speak about people they have dated in their past.

What I noticed as a therapist is the internalised guilt, shame & assumptions about the ending of these relationships.

It’s good that we are wondering whether the heartache we are feeling is only from a place of sadness,despair,resentment or towards a path of greater understanding of ourselves.

Breakups are difficult and some relational discord is normal,but some of it can be sooooooooo horrible as one pursues while the other withdraws! Sigh……

Please don’t give up. We understand why.

Let’s process this. Please read the following below;

Here’s what I noticed and learned as a Psychologist and from networking with the Psych community:

What we have not healed gets revealed.

If you have been in a highly conflictual relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner…there could be patterns you are just familiar with.

What do we mean by familiar you ask?

Well...does your ex-partners behaviour remind you of anyone’s behaviour at home?

What are your thoughts on this behaviour and have you noticed any recurring patterns that often frustrated you!

Perhaps they remind you of your parents/guardians behaviour because you have been in continuous exposure to unhealthy relational patterns. It’s possible you normalised these maladaptive cycles.

What matters after identifying the cycle is,what do you wanna do about it?!

Do you believe you can change the pattern or will you, avoid,deny, repeat or will you numb it by sharing humorous memes about absent parents & partners.

It’s not that deep right….until it is!

This description could just be an indication of your unhealthy coping tool.

Let’s heal this by sharing a few tips to break away from relational patterns that don’t serve your healthiest interests.

1. Identify your own attachment style

2. Explore your partners attachment style

3. Whose individual conflict interferes with the relationships functioning?

4. What are your own relational patterns?

5. Is commitment clarified at the beginning of the relationship or are you in a dance that felt like it wouldn’t last?

6. Identify and explore any spoken and unspoken conversations about relationships in the home or communal environment that have influenced you

7. Looking into intergenerational relational patterns, what has been learned or unlearned?

8. What have your Grandparents shared about their relationships ?

9. Has anyone in your home environment suffered from relational trauma ? If so,how has that impacted your life and choices in partners?

What a difficult and sensitive topic to address.

Indeed relationships are more than a couple of quiz questions you have asked each other on dates!

For healing purposes ,it’s important to think about any past behavioural relational patterns. Identifying these patterns may assist in healing any aspects of yourself that have felt limiting to explore.

As I end off, I want to say ,"It's okay to boldly tell your therapist that: “some of my past partners remind me of past or present familial patterns.

Let’s work preventatively and explore whether there is a potential risk in forming an unhealthy alliance with a partner.

If you want to read more about Amanda and the services she offers, click here.