Forgiveness: What it is and What it is Not

Written by Hailey Geldenhuis, Counselling Psychologist

When people speak or write about forgiveness, they often attribute different meanings, and these differences could reflect their different values and motivations (Ransley & Spy, 2004).

Historically forgiveness has many positive and negative associations with religion based on individual religious experiences.

Forgiveness is explicitly embraced within Christianity, Islam, Judaism, and Hinduism.

Over time, forgiveness has become a more popular field of study within psychology (Fourie, 2006).

What Forgiveness is Not

In order to understand what forgiveness is, we must first understand what forgiveness is not.

Simon and Simon (1977) provide clarity:

• Forgiveness is not pardoning, condoning, or excusing: When forgiveness occurs, the impact of past events can be decreased. The idea is not to focus on what the injury was to the self or to the other. True forgiveness cannot occur when individuals are denying, minimizing, justifying or condoning behaviour that caused harm to themselves or to others.

  
  

• Forgiveness is not forgetting: By performing an act of forgiveness toward the self or the other for the injury caused, one is not erasing past experiences. It is impossible to forget the harm caused to the self or to others. Instead, these experiences and the emotional pain caused provides an opportunity for learning and meaning-making.

• Forgiveness is not absolution or reconciling: Many people may feel they have to restore the relationship with the individual who caused harm, confess, do penance or associate forgiveness with a sort of absolution deriving from religious beliefs and values. For healing to occur, that is not necessarily the case. Forgiveness is more about making peace with what has happened rather than with who caused the emotional injury.

• Forgiveness is not denying: Forgiveness is not the action of self-sacrifice or denying the event which has caused pain or hurt. It is acknowledged that emotions of any kind are normal and valid. Hurt individuals may or may not be ready to forgive or pretend to forgive. By addressing denial and the emotions associated with event, emotional pain can be alleviated.

• Forgiveness is not a moral obligation: Forgiveness should be viewed as a possibility rather than an obligation. It is a moral right and a right towards the self to stop the emotional pain caused by events.

What Forgiveness Is

Forgiveness is one of many responses to the experience of an injustice.

It was conceded that the definition and experience of forgiveness is unique for everyone (McCullough et al., 2001). According to Simon and Simon (1977, 1990), forgiveness is a by-product of an ongoing and internal healing process that occurs within the person who has been emotionally affected by an incident. Forgiveness is a process accompanied by feelings of wellness, freedom, and acceptance. This process can be viewed as the release of the intense negative emotions attached to incidents from the past due to an internal realization that holding onto the resentment, anger, and vulnerability toward the hurt no longer serves a purpose. This realization brings revelation that revenge does not serve a purpose within the healing process (Simon, 1990). 

Simon and Simon (1977) stated that forgiveness is a sign of positive self-esteem and meaning-making. Furthermore, meaning-making, in relation to forgiveness, is described as the realization that the hurtful past event is not the only contributing factor to one’s identity. “The past is put into its proper perspective, and it is realized that the injuries and injustices are just a part of life and a part of a person’s humanness” (Simon & Simon, 1977, p. 18).

Luskin (2002) states that forgiveness is:

• a skill that can be learned and needs to be practiced;

• a benefit to the individual doing the forgiving, not the offender;

• an empowering process of taking control of the situation;

• an opportunity to take responsibility for personal feelings; and 

• an experience that leads to personal healing.

Many of my clients have said to me, “I have forgiven the person in my mind, but not in my heart. It feels like my heart still needs to catch up to my head.”

This disconnection is beautifully explained by Exline, Worthington, Hill, and McCullough (2003) who distinguished between two types of forgiveness, namely:

• decisional forgiveness, and

• emotional forgiveness.

Decisional forgiveness is defined as a behavioural intention to let go of feelings of revenge and to treat the offender as a person of value.

Emotional forgiveness is defined as the emotional replacement of negative emotions (such as resentment, bitterness, hostility, hatred, anger, and fear) with positive emotions (such as empathy, sympathy, compassion, or love).

This is probably the hardest aspect of forgiveness for most people, and not always a necessary part of everyone’s forgiveness journey. 

Individuals make meaning of forgiveness in very different ways, depending on their past experiences and their context. Forgiving others is just one form of forgiveness.

Divine forgiveness is another form of forgiveness that refers to the receiving and accepting of God’s forgiveness. According to McCullough et al. (2005), divine forgiveness is a positive factor contributing to the willingness to forgive others, as well as the self. Forgiving God is another form of forgiveness associated with anger towards God for not intervening during a negative experience (Exline & Martin, 2005). 

Lastly, it is important to remember that forgiveness is a process, and for some a very long and difficult journey. Forgiveness is a choice and not easy, but forgiveness is also a gift, a gift to the self.

I wish you all the best as you grab this gift with both hands. 

If you want to read more about Hailey and the services she offers, click here.