“I’m fine, neh?” -understanding defence mechanisms and why they matter

Written by Rinae Mukhoro, Clinical Psychologist

A lot of people don’t come to therapy because they think they are okay. I mean, they are working, they are studying and they are very much still showing up.

So the logic goes: “If I’m functioning, then I don’t need help.”

In South Africa, we are very good at this.

We make a plan.

We Bekezela, and just push through.

We tell ourselves, “It is what it is.”

And often times that works-until it doesn’t.

What many people don’t realise is that feeling “fine” can actually be a coping strategy.

What Are Defence Mechanisms?

Defence mechanisms are unconscious psychological strategies that we use to protect ourselves from emotional pain, anxiety, or overwhelm.

They help us manage experiences that feel too much at the time. They are not bad or signs of weakness.

They are signs that your mind found a way to help you survive.

However, the problem comes when we don’t recognise them and they start running our lives quietly in the background.

Common defence mechanisms (you might recognise yourself)

1. Denial

This looks like: “It wasn’t that bad” or “I’m over it.”

Denial helps us avoid painful realities when we’re not ready to face them. If you don’t acknowledge the hurt, you don’t have to feel it.

The downside?

Unprocessed emotions don’t disappear, they resurface in other ways. This may also explain those constant headaches and backpains that just don’t go away with a few panados or ibuprofens- the body has simply kept score of what the mind has not.

2. Avoidance

Avoidance is skipping, distracting, keeping busy, or saying “I’ll deal with it later.”

You might avoid certain conversations, people, places, or even your own thoughts.

Avoidance reduces anxiety in the short term but often keeps the fear alive long term.

3. Intellectualisation

This is when you explain your feelings instead of feeling them.

You can analyse your trauma perfectly, use big psychological terms, and sound very self-aware but remain emotionally disconnected.

It’s a clever defence, especially for high-functioning people.

4. Humour

In Mzansi, we laugh through a lot as a nation.

Anything , and I mean anything can become a meme or a hashtag.

Dark jokes, and sarcasm to make serious situations less heavy.

While humour can be healthy, it can also become a defence when it’s the only way you express pain and no one ever gets to see the real impact because they are too busy laughing.

5. Emotional Numbing / Dissociation

This often sounds like: “I don’t remember much” or “I don’t really feel anything.”

This is your nervous system switching things down when emotions were once overwhelming.

Not remembering doesn’t mean it didn’t matter- it often means it mattered a lot.

6. Minimisation

This shows up as: “Others had it worse.”

Comparing pain is a way of invalidating your own experience so you don’t have to attend to it.

Pain doesn’t need to be extreme to be real.

Why these defences make us think we don’t need help

Defences work and that’s the issue. They help you function, survive and you are able to keep going. So you assume you’re fine because technically, you are coping.

But coping is not the same as healing.

You can be “okay” and still feel constantly exhausted, struggle with relationships, feel emotionally flat or on edge, feel like you’re underperforming compared to your potential and avoid slowing down because silence feels uncomfortable. It is not laziness, nor is it a weakness.

That’s your system doing its best.

Therapy is not about being “bad enough”.

You don’t need to remember everything or be in crisis. Therapy is about becoming aware of the patterns that once protected you but may now be limiting you. It’s a space where defences aren’t judged but explored and understood. Once there is understanding, there is choice.

If you want to read more about Rinae and the services she offers, click here.