Understanding the journey of grief
- Psych Central
- May 26
- 3 min read
Written by Panashe Moyovsi, Clinical Psychologist
“This is heart work; you’ve got to feel your way through it."
I remember sitting across an elderly woman who had just lost her husband of 50 years. She alternated between sobbing uncontrollably and hoping that they would still go to their planned anniversary trip later that year.
She couldn’t believe that the man she had spent most of her life with was never going to give her that morning cup of coffee again. She was experiencing denial, the first of what you may know as the “five stages of grief”.
Grief is perhaps one of the most universal, yet deeply personal human experiences.
While we all encounter loss throughout our lives, the way we process and integrate these experiences varies tremendously. Grief represents not just emotional pain but a complex adaptive process that reshapes our understanding of ourselves and the world.
Perhaps no psychological framework has entered our collective understanding quite like Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief.
Denial: That first shield of protection when reality is too overwhelming. It can manifest as disbelief or numbness, giving one time to gradually come to terms with the loss.
Anger: When denial fades, pain emerges—often as anger. We might direct it at doctors, at the person who left us, at ourselves, or even at fate or God. This anger isn't something to suppress or be ashamed of; it's a natural expression of the profound unfairness loss represents.
Bargaining: During the bargaining stage, individuals may dwell on "what if" or "if only" scenarios, hoping to reverse or mitigate the loss. This stage reflects the desire to regain control and make sense of the situation.
Depression: Not a mental illness in this context, but the quiet acknowledgment of what's been lost. It's the empty chair at dinner, the traditions that won't continue, the future now rewritten. This sadness is both necessary and appropriate.
Acceptance: Not "getting over it" but learning to live with a new reality. As one grief specialist beautifully put it:
Acceptance is when we make room for grief rather than trying to overcome it.
While these stages provide a framework, my work with grieving individuals has taught me that grief rarely progresses in an orderly fashion.
You might experience acceptance in the morning, plunge back into anger by lunch, and find yourself bargaining again before bed. Some days might bring all five stages within hours.
This unpredictable oscillation is perfectly normal.
A few practical ways to help manage each stage:
For Denial:
No rush getting to acceptance. Give yourself the grace to slowly take in reality at your own pace.
Keep a diary and write down moments when the reality of your loss feels unbelievable.
For Anger:
Letter writing has been one of the most effective ways of dealing with those emotions that keep lingering. (you don’t need to send these letter).
Get someone to just listen without trying to “fix it”.
Find physical outlets for example jogging, walking, or creative outlets like art or music.
For Bargaining:
Notice when your thoughts spiral into "what ifs" and gently name the process: "I'm bargaining right now".
For Depression:
No need to force oneself to “cheer up”- sadness serves a purpose.
Allow others to support you.
Try to maintain a routine for eating, sleeping and movement
For Acceptance:
Create meaningful ways to honour what's been lost.
Begin envisioning a future that incorporates your loss without being defined by it.
Connect with others who have navigated similar losses.
Grief Beyond Death
While grief is commonly associated with death, it is also found in numerous life transitions—divorce, chronic illness diagnosis, job loss, empty nest syndrome, or even positive changes like retirement or relocation.
Each involves saying goodbye to an aspect of our identity or future we had imagined, requiring psychological adaptation like bereavement.
Finally
I've come to learn that grief isn't something we "get through" so much as something we learn to carry. The weight of it changes over time—sometimes lighter, sometimes heavier but it becomes integrated into who we are.
There is no "right way" to grieve.
The path through loss is one that is unique to everyone.
There is no timeline for grief. The depth of our grief reflects the depth of our love, and love doesn't follow schedules or conform to expectations.
Be gentle with yourself through each stage, each oscillation, each moment when grief catches you by surprise even years later.
That's not failure—it's being human.
While grief is a natural process, there are times when it can become overwhelming and interfere with daily life.
If you find yourself struggling to function, experiencing intense depression, or having thoughts of self-harm, it is important to seek professional help.
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